as big as a linebacker? yes, i was!

I measure big by the size of NFL players. Pro football players are big men. At my heaviest i was 251 lbs. To give you a sense of how fat that is consider this:

The Seattle Seahawks (the local pro football team) has 64 players on the roster. At my heaviest i weighed more that 38 of them. I weighed more that 8 out of the team’s 9 linebackers. And, most embarrassing of all, i actually weighed more than one defensive lineman.

Now things have changed. Now the numbers are different. At my current weight of 195 i only outweigh 7 of the 64 players on the roster. And those are wide receivers, cornerbacks and kickers.

Progress!

 

the fat girl approaches the end of obesity

So in the midst of all that has been happening to me in the past few days i have to take care of my health and tend to my weight. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and it proved to be another good week for losing weight. I’m now down to 195.6 pounds. It’s so good to see 200 pounds in my rearview mirror.

And now i’m moving on to my next weight lose goal. And that goal is to no longer be technically obese. In order for that to be the care my weight must be 191 or lower. I think i can get there before i go home to Cleveland for the week between Christmas and New Years.

The more interesting question is: what shall i call myself after i reach 191 lbs? Will i still consider myself to be a fat girl? What does being fat mean to me. Is it really as simple as saying that at 192 lbs i’m fat and at 191 lbs i’m not? Should i continue to call myself a fat girl until i reach my target weight and then stop calling myself fat? I wonder if i’m really a fat girl for life. After all just because i reach my target weight doesn’t mean i will stop having struggles with food. I will always struggle with eating. I will always have to watch my food. That’s the point of Weight Watchers. It’s to help me with a lifetime change because i have a problem with food. So maybe i’ll continue call myself a fat girl no matter what the scale says as a way to remind myself that i have issues with food that will be with me the rest of my time on the planet. It’s a part of who i am and so i will unabashedly keep referring to myself as the fat t-girl.

 

losing my workspace

My D-House position is going away and i’m being replaced. One person will be the Administrative Assistant for Ethnic Ministries and another person will be the Secretary for Vocations. One of those has already landed and i’m bringing her up to speed. On Friday the other person landed. The second person needs a place to work and so on Friday i cleaned out my workspace and took all of my possessions to my car and put them in the trunk.

I had mixed feelings about that. My workspace at D-House is now no longer mine. It officially belongs to two other people now. I don’t have a space at D-House any more. That feels kinda wierd. I’m starting to feel very disconnected from D-House. I guess this is how i should feel as i am in the process of moving into a new role in The organization.

At the same time i don’t have a permanent workspace at the congregation i’m currently serving. When i come to work at the church i bring all that i need to work, including a computer and a phone. I pack in and pack it out everyday that i’m here. And now the same will be true of my D-House work. Every day i go there i will bring all i need to do my work. I’ll pack it in and pack it out.

The place where i live, of course, is a different story. Well actually it isn’t. Much of my stuff is in boxes. I’m beginning to box up even more stuff as i anticipate having to move when either of the congregations that is interested in me actually calls me. So i don’t feel like i have a permanent place anywhere right now. I feel very disconnected. I feel as if i’m floating around just waiting for a place to land.

 

2nd interview over–now what?

Last night i had an interview with the Call Committee of congregation #3. This congregation is located about 20 miles south of downtown Seattle. As was the case with congregation #1 it was a dark stormy night when i arrived. Congregation #3 is very different from congregation #1. Congregation #3 has no priest as their last vicar retired and i am one of a handful of people that they are interviewing. This congregation has a lot going for it. It’s weekly attendance is twice as large as congregation #1. Its facility is much better than congregation #1. It has more money than congregation #1. It has much more support staff (congregation #1 has no support staff). Congregation #3 is poised to grow much faster than congregation #1. Any person would look at congregation #3 and say it is healthier. And that is true. And i had a great time talking to them about ministry and i believe they are fated to do some wonderful things and make some big moves. I think they are ready to explode in terms of growth.

However the question for me is: where am i being called to serve? That is more a question of where my heart is leading me. My head is telling me that it would be easier to serve as the priest of congregation #3 and i would be more likely to “succeed” in terms of growing the place at congregation #3. But in all truthfulness, my heart is leaning toward congregation #1 and doing so strongly. It will be by far the tougher challenge but that’s where i’m feeling called.

The way it looks right now congregation #1 will reach its decision before congregation #3. So if congregation #1 accepts the bishop’s deal then i will go there. If they don’t, then i’ll wait on congregation #3 and see what happens there.

 

did religion deter an early transition for me?

Someone over on YouTube (where you too can actually see you’re truly) asked me if religion deterred me from transitioning earlier in life. It’s a good question and i answered them privately and i’ve been thing thinking about that question as something i’d like to address here.

Religion did play a role in deterring me from transitioning earlier but not in the sense that you might think. I never held a religion-based belief that there was anything morally wrong about being trans or about wanting to live as female. I had and have no personal religious objection to the issue.

Quite to the contrary my parents stressed to us the great love of God in Christ. They taught us that we could take everything to God in prayer. I somehow got the opinion that since God knew all about me that i could actually talk to God about my feelings. I that’s what i did from the days of my childhood.

My parents never gave me the impression that being trans was wrong. they never said anything to me about anything related to gender or sexuality. But the larger society definitely taught me that a boy who acts girlish is a sissy and will be teased, tormented, ostracized and beat up. So i never talked to anyone but God about my gender stuff.

The place where religion deterred an earlier transition had to do with what i wanted to do for a calling/vocation. I was raised in a church body that didn’t ordain women and i wanted to be an ordained minister so transition was out of the question. After i was ordained i loved the work. I knew that transitioning would mean that i would have to leave ordained ministry and i was not willing to do that. I figured that i could live with the stress of being one thing inside and being something else outwardly. Because i loved the work of being an ordained minister i stayed male and tried to find some way to accomodate my gender issues.

I eventually found out that i couldn’t live with the pressure. As my ability to be effective in ministry decreased and as the psychological pressure pushed me toward self-destructive behaviors i knew i had to do something or die. So i left ordained ministry and it was the saddest day of my life. When i left the church i had no intention of returning to ordained ministry. In fact i was not sure that i wanted to go to any church ever again. The painful purposeless days that followed were horrible. And it was Christ who brought me through that dark time.

So since there was no longer a reason to remain male i went ahead and started my transition. I found myself and the psychological pressure and the self-destructive behavior stopped. I relaxed into a new life where there was congruence between the inner me and the external me. That felt great.

But i never left Christ (and it goes without saying that he never left me). I found a new church home in the Episcopal Church. To my surprise the same Christ i came to know in

was also in

Over the next few years the Episcopal Church saw what the Lutheran Church–Missouri Synod saw: a call to ordained ministry. So i am back doing the work of ordained ministry and finding great joy in this way of serving God and the church. I must that i never thought that i’d end up in a different church body, being female, being ordained and being happy.

So yes, religion did deter me from transitioning earlier but it also played a key role in getting me through transition. Faith also gave me a reason to want to keep on living that was beyond myself.

 

the interview========success!

It was pouring down rain as i drove up to the church. I pulled up the hood on my coat, grabbed my computer bag and my purse and headed toward the door. As i opened it the first person i met was surprised to see me. Her response was to look surprised and say “Oh you’re the one.” The second person on the Bishop’s Committee said, “I never thought it was you the bishop was talking about.” It turned out that the Senior Warden was the only person who knew it was me before that meeting started.

As i made my way around the room to meet church leaders who didn’t expect to be meeting me, i started to feel like i was in the opening episode of the Vicar of Dibley. In that series a new female vicar comes to a small church that is not expecting her. It’s even pouring rain on the day she arrives to meet with the leaders. One of the leaders was late and when she came in and saw me she exclaimed, “It’s Carla Robinson! Wow!”

The interview began. I asked questions. They asked questions. We talked for two hours. They gave me a tour of the facility. I stayed in the Junior Warden (a long time leader who has served in many roles in that congregation) and we talked about administrative issues and other sundry items.

In the end i left feeling very good about the interview. The place has some serious challenges. There’s a lot of hard work to do there. This is not a cushy assignment. It’s going to take time to turn the place around. But the leaders expressed a desire to do that work, to do church differently, to make changes and try some new things in outreach and worship. I don’t know if they really understand what change will mean but they said they are committed to trying.

I came out of the church, got in my car and i knew that i had won over all of them…every single member of the Bishop’s Committee. They are ready to say YES to the bishop’s deal and to me.

It’s time to get serious about finding a new place to live. However before i do that i have one more interview. And that’s on Friday evening.

 

today is important

This evening i have an interview with the decision-making group at congregation #1. This is it! The whole deal comes down to this interview. This is the leadership’s first and only chance to meet me before they have to decide. There is a lot riding on this. If this interview goes well and they like what they see then they’ll say yes to the bishop’s deal and i’ll become the vicar of congregation #1. If they don’t like what they see then they will say no to the bishop’s deal and i’ll have a hope dashed.

I’m nervous. I suspect they will be nervous too. I’ve thought about what they will ask me. I have answers ready to the basic questions that i know they will ask. Spiritually i’m in a centered, prayerful place. I think i’m ready.

Let’s roll the dice and see what the evening brings.

 

a fat girl and her shoes

I was at Starbucks today ordering my new coffee drink (tall skinny vanilla latte–one less point than the drink i used to order and 4 less points than my original coffee drink at the Bucks) when i saw a woman in line who had to be every bit of 300 pounds. She was shorter than i am and her legs nowhere near as strong as mine. Yet she was wearing what had to be 3.5 to 4″ heels. I looked at her and marveled. I stopped wearing heels when my weight started to sky-rocket because my knees and ankles were starting to hurt. But there she was heavier than i was and looking very much at ease and comfortable. That encouraged me. If she can do it. I can do it.

I’m going home tonight and see what shoes i can break out again and wear. I won’t be able to actually gives this a try until next week because i have to wear “the uniform” every day until next Tuesday. And heels just don’t go with the uniform. But on Tuesday of next week the fat girl will break out with some heels to wear when i’m doing my administrative assistant gig. This could be fun

 

an unfortunate birthday present

I recently celebrated my birthday and i was invited to a party where gifts were given to me. I’m trying to lose weight and get fitter. So what gift does someone give me? A box of chocolate–20 servings of good chocolate.

What is a fat girl supposed to do with that? Chocolate is one of those foods i can’t have around me. I just don’t know how to stop eating it once i begin.

I was so angry when i saw it. Is this person trying to sabotage me? Do they secretly hate me? Just because they are skinny and eat anything doesn’t mean i can. I wanted to yell at this person, “What are you thinking!!??” But i realized that this was an honest attempt to give me something that i liked. A lot of people know that i love chocolate. That’s all it was.

So i brought the unopened box to work the next day and gave it to our front desk person. She put it in the candy bowl which is on her desk for visitors to indulge in. I was spared.

 

the simple act of holding a baby

Yesterday i had another first time occurence. After the liturgy i was holding the baby that i baptized and i was cooing and bouncing and rocking her. Then i saw her reach up. At first i thought she was going to touch my face but she was aiming to the side of my face. Then i saw her hand close around something. For a second i wondered what she was holding. Then a tug on the side of my head told me she had grabbed on to my hair. That was startling as i’ve not held a child recently and not at all since my hair has been as long as it is now.

She let go in time and she looked up and broke into a big smile. I beamed back at her. I was so taken by her. That just doesn’t happen to me. I have never wanted kids and i’ve never seen myself as good with children. But i found this child almost impossible to resist. It just woke up all these maternal feelings in me. All i could think was, “This baby is beautiful!” In retrospect i realize this child looked very much like any other 4 month old child i’ve ever seen. But at that moment i was totally in love. i don’t know what i must have looked like nor do i have a sense of how long i held that child. However the father came up to me and said half-jokingly, “You gonna giver her back?” I looked up with a start and said, “Oh, of course.” I couldn’t get that moment out of my head all the rest of the day.